 |
There's an old saying down in Cambridge county :'if it ain't broke don't fix it'. Well, that may be OK for most folk, but not Steve and Dave Duke, 'cause they seem to wind up being broke just about all of the time, especially since they finished doing up their old coupe,'Generally'.
The duke boys spent six months getting their hot little Marina back on the road, and even thought they joined up with the Marina Owners Club, they spent a whole hill of beans more than they thought they would in the process. So now the boys are as broke as a three-piece piston.
Uncle Jessie suggested making and selling moonshine to beat the next fuel crisis, should there ever be one again, but Steve and Dave need the money now. Tracy and Sharon Duke, the boys' twin cousins, came up with the idea of pig wrestling, but there ain't that many pigs in the Fens. Anyway Tracy's an expert, she's bound to win.
So there's only one thing for it - the Duke boys have to do what they do best, and that's why Dave Duke is on his way down to the docks at King's Lynn. He's going to meet one of the shadiest characters this side of Peterborough - dodgy Ben Cooter.
Cooter's the number two used - car dealer in King's Lynn. There ain't no others, it's just that Cooter couldn't be number one at anything if he tried. That doesn't stop him turning a dime or two though, and the deal he's about to do with Dave is typical of the way business is done in these parts.
Now Cooter ain't no fool, but he's liable to use his fist before his brain, so Dave is always as polite as can be in Cooter's company - especially when he's buying a thousand fags of unusual origin. Oh that's the scam by the way - a simple deal involving buying low and selling high.
These coupes ain't to keen on corners, but that doesn't matter in the Fens where the roads are as straight as the creases in Boss Hogg's pants. Dave tries to get his wheels spinning, but Generally just doesn't have the torque. Anyhow, Dave's got the produce, he's got the business flare, he's got to make a delivery and he's got to make it quick.
They've been in trouble since the day they were born and today is no exception. Yes folks, it's that sneaky Constable Rectum with another one of his hidden speed traps and the Duke boys have just driven into it. Rectum bursts into action and the Dukes hit the big pedal - time for a game of cat and mouse.
So the boys have got trouble on their tail, but Boss Hogg, who runs just about everything in these parts, don't mind. In fact he don't have a care in the world other than what's for lunch. Today he's having a long one: 'It lasts from when I get up, till I go to bed'. But Boss' lunch is about to be interrupted cause there's a familiar noise coming down the road, and it's been coming for about twenty miles.
Ten seconds later Boss' hair is ruffled and he's staring Rectum in the face. Boss sure ain't happy. 'Judas priest on a pony! Rectum you jackass! Don't talk to me, get after them Duke boys you dipstick. Two cars are now three with Boss laying some rubber on the rear.
Well everything has gone to plan - or has it? Constable Rectum has somehow made it back to the farm, and you guessed it - they turn up as the fags are being stashed. Ah! I got you Duke boys now.
Uncle Jessie has other ideas though. He's not about to let his nephews go to jail. he know's there's only one thing Boss Hogg likes more than than getting one over on the Dukes and that's money. Jesse tells the boys to hand the fags over to Boss - purely for safe keeping you understand - in return for a kindly regard for the law. Good ole Jesse.
A happy ending? Sorta, the Duke boys get away with not going to prison and Jessie gets back to what he loves best - honing and fettling in the workshop. Rectum returns to his roadside, and Boss goes to find Cooter to sell the fags he liberated from the Duke boys. Except he can't - he isn't interested he knows the truth. Those fags , Boss, they're made of candy. Try selling them to the kids in the orphanage!
Words by Danny Hopkins Photos by Mike Bailie